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First instinct was to organize a candlelight vigil outside of ESPiN headquarters upon hearing the news about the cracked rib of Brett Favre. While this idea is still a possibility I thought an equally moving tribute would be this piece written back on August 12, 2008:
Your Ex-Packers Signalcaller Network (EPSN) program schedule:
9:00 AM Cold Pizza-Relationship expert Dawn Yanek tells us the chances of Alex Rodriguez and Madonna sustaining a long term relationship now that Brett Favre is the Jets new quarterback.
10:00 AM The Pulse-PGA Champion Padraig Harrington of Ireland is interviewed by Linda Cohn and answers the question 'Do you know if Brett Favre has ever been to Dublin?'
11:00 AM Outside The Lines-Kobe Bryant admits he'd play in Italy for $50 million. Bob Ley explores whether Brett Favre could make even more money playing basketball there.
Noon Nascar Countdown-Mike Greenberg asks Sprint Cup points leader Kyle Busch what kind of vehicle he thinks Brett Favre might drive.
1:00 PM EPSN News Day-With the race for number one tightening up on the mens tennis circuit between Spains' Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer of Switzerland, Ed Werder reports from the Mississippi State Bureau of Records on whether Brett Favre might be of Spanish or Swiss heritage.
2:00 PM The Hot List-John Buccigross examines what effect the Brett Favre trade to the Jets might have on the Islanders search for a new head coach. In the second half hour Buccigross asks US Hockey Hall of Fame inductee Mike Richter if he knows whether Brett Favre can ice skate.
3:00 PM Around The Horn-The intrepid/insipid panel of ATH reporters debate whether Wisconsin football fans would demand that Erin Andrews be replaced by Brett Favre if she gets off to a slow start with her Monday Night Football sideline reporting duties.
4:00 PM Pardon The Interruption-Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon ponder whether the US Olympic basketball team would be more dominant if Brett Favre had been named to the team. Kornheiser wonders out loud what kind of movies Brett Favre likes to watch.
5:00 PM EPSN 360-Steve Levy interviews a New York City cabbie who got a football autographed by a guy at La Guardia who looked like Brett Favre. The signed ball reads 'Warmest regards. William Shatner''
Thanks for reading.
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How the hell are ya gang...It's time for some Monday Moaning...Sorry if I get a little hostile this week, I just got home from a long weekend of working at the Fish House...I may be feisty...But I am now on vacation for a week...So I may calm down by tomorrow...
This week we're gonna start with Joe Montana...A couple weeks ago he made some comments, and I feel that I should address them...As many of you may know...I'm a Notre Dame guy...You may also know, most Notre Dame people love Joe Montana...Me...Not so much...I say, Fuck Joe Montana! I haven't liked him since I was a kid...Let me explain...My mom grew up in a little Pennsyltucky town near Joe...Many years later, it was high school reunion time...The school contacted Joe to see if he would be attending his class reunion...Not asking him to do anything...Just asking if he would be coming...His response..."How much are you going to pay me?" FUCK YOU JOE!!!
So on to Joe's more recent comments... "You can't ask any football coach here to be constrained like that on the academic side and to have a consistent team," Montana said. "Unless you try to relax some of that for the athletic programs here, it's hard to consistently compete with the programs that have different standards."
Again I say FUCK YOU JOE!!! Why? Because he's fucking wrong...Notre Dame's Women's Soccer team is one of the NCAA powerhouses...The Men's Soccer team is always strong...Jeff Jackson has turned the Fighting Irish Hockey team into a top program...The Lacrosse team, strong...And on and on...Not just at Notre Dame...At plenty of Universities that hold there STUDENT ATHLETES to the same standards as their other STUDENTS...Don't blame the University, and it's education standards for poor performances on the football field...Blame the coaches...and even the players for not executing...
If Joe Montana would have lowered his standards, and expectations...He never would have made into the NFL, and become one of the greats...Hell, he never would have made it on the field at Notre Dame...
I don't want to sound like a dick, but fuck it...I think this has more to do with his son not being able to cut it at Notre Dame then anything else...That's right Nate Montana transferred to Pasadena City College...Sorry Joe, But the school shouldn't lower it's standards just cause some whiny parents say so...
This seems to be a problem these days...My kids are 7 and 4...I've had a number of people tell me I expect too much from them...Fuck that...You expect too little...The goal of every parent should be to help give their kids a better life then their own...Well unless I start getting paid to write this drivel, or I win the Mega Millions...I'm not gonna be able to afford to send both my kids to Notre Dame, or Boston University, or where-ever, on my Fish House salary...So I have high expectations, and standards for my kids...You go ahead and let you kid be a lump of shit...Mine will successful in life...Maybe one day the little Beeze will be the first President to give the State of the Union, and close by pulling out his junk, and saying...'If you don't like it...Suck on this!'
So for the record...Joe Montana= Wrong/Douche....The Beeze= Right/Twisted...
Since I brought up my son...I shared this on facebook, but it needs to be said here too...Wednesday Night, we were all watching Wipeout...He loves that damn show...He was sitting in the chair with my wife...All the sudden he stands up...Pulls his pants down, and says..."Have you seen this guy before Mama!?" WTF! It was hilarious...Fucked up...But hilarious...I swear to God he didn't get that one from me...He's also still on his "boobies" craze...I can't wait until the calls from school start...
Next up...Word is, Patriots Linebacker, Tedy Bruschi is going to announce his retirement Monday...
Big talk in Cleveland...Who the hell is going to be the Browns starting Quarterback? I'll tell you who it should be...Brady Quinn...And this ain't a Notre Dame thing...He's just better...People love to fall for a guy like Derek Anderson who can throw the deep ball...Coaches included...Problem is, he throws everything like he's throwing a deep ball...The guy struggles with the short stuff...He has no touch, and doesn't see the field as well as Quinn...Plus when an organization spends what the Browns did, to get back up in the first round, to get Quinn...You gotta play him...I know Mangina didn't draft him...So the owner has to say, play this guy, or move him and get something back...It was a big investment...Giving Anderson a contract extension when they were going after Quinn was a bad investment...BTW, the Browns won their preseason game Saturday against the Titans, 23-17...I'm seeing some improvement...
Since we're on Football...It may be August still, but it's Fall in Ohio...High School Football Season started Friday...Yes folks, Ohio can be like mini-Texas when it comes to Football...Don't believe...Check out the documentary called "Go Tigers."
I live in a small community...We're not crazy like the people in Massillon (in Go Tigers) but we support our team...The high School is around the block from us, and the Football Stadium is at the end of our street...Friday at 7:00PM the band marches down to the stadium...The kids dig that...Students and parents, and neighbors follow...It's a great atmosphere...Like I said...We're a small community...One of my favorite things to do every year is count how many band members are also cheerleaders and football players...Nothing like a kid ripping off his shoulder pads and helmet at halftime, and breaking out his trumpet...
This week The Brooklyn (OH) Hurricanes lost to rival Rhodes High School 24-22...
Lastly this week...I wanted to share this link, and say hell yeah to Angelo Cammarata...Best of luck to him... http://www.gnn.com/article/cheers-prohibition-era-bartender-retires/644371
That's it for now...
Later, The Beeze.
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And in the spirit of prevailing forgiveness, I've come to plead my case. I hold no remorse because there was no morse to begin with. I ask only for consideration. I'll let the facts speak for themselves and leave the verdict to all of you.
Michael Vick: Left handed
Me: Left handed
Vick: 6-0 215
Me: 6-1 225
Vick: 29 years old
Me: Old enough to know a sycophant and an enabler when I see one.
Vick: Hasn't played professional football in 23 months
Me: Hasn't played serious football in 23 years
Vick: Used pseudonym Ron Mexico
Me: Know a guy named Ron, never been to Mexico but like Hispanic food.
Vick: Financed and ran interstate dog fighting operation. Did time in prison.
Me: Punched off-duty deputy sheriff, broke sheriff's nose with elbow in same incident. Charges dropped.
Vick: Presently counseled by Tony Dungy
Me: Easily confused by Mom's brother Tony
Vick: Once electrocuted a dog for having poor fighting skills
Me: Once took a leak on electric fence for a case of beer
Vick: Rumored to have been detained in Miami airport for questionable smelling water bottle
Me: Actually detained in Minneapolis airport while TSA agents figured out my knee brace was in fact a knee brace and my crutches weren't loaded
Vick: Known for speed in outrunning opposing defenses
Me: Known for killing grizzly with bare hands while on my way home from school, uphill both ways
Vick: Has friends who sold him out for lighter prison sentences
Me: Has friends who can almost form complete sentences
Vick: 53% completions
Me: Was figuring for about 57+ pct. but willing to underachieve if necessary
Vick: Gave herpes to sexual partner (settled civil suit)
Me: Gave her pez dispenser to third grade classmate (lost on playground)
Vick: Article in GQ
Me: Has an IQ
Vick: Incarcerated in Kansas
Me: Incorporated in Wyoming
Vick: One year $1.6 million with option
Me: Will play for food and 1.1 million
So you see, despite a slight age difference my body of work holds up very favorably in my humble opinion. It is in your hands to decide if I play again. I throw myself on the mercy of this jury of my peers whether I've positively stated my case. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Murph
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NFC EAST
1. Philadelphia - This year they are on a mission.
2. New York Giants - They are not easy to stop on the ground attack.
3. Dallas Cowboys - As flawed as that horrid TV at the fifty yard line.
4. Washington Redskins - Mediocre coaches get mediocre results.
NFC North
1. Minnesota Vikings - Blah, blah, blah Brett. It's all about the trenches.
2. Green Bay Packers - The defense is very good.
3. Chicago Bears - They are a year away...maybe.
4. Detroit Lions - They will win games this year.
NFC South
1. Carolina Panthers - They like to ground and pound you old school style.
2. New Orleans Saints - If Pierre Thomas runs well, they will do well.
3. Atlanta Falcons - The mirrors used last year will be shattered this year.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - It will take time to get better.
NFC West
1. Arizona Cardinals - Warner has one good year left.
2. Saint Louis Rams - They are getting real good in the pits.
3. Seattle Seahawks - The rebuilding stage hits harder next year.
4. San Francisco 49ers - They appear on the right track.
NFC Playoffs
New York Giants over New Orleans Saints - The G-Men are superior in the trenches.
New York Giants over Arizona Cardinals - The Jints will control the clock.
Philadelphia Eagles over Minnesota Vikings - This year is for Jim Johnson.
Philadelphia Eagles over New York Giants - The mission for JJ continues.
AFC East
1. New England Patriots - Hopefully Brady plays, yet they proved they win without him.
2. Buffalo Bills - The offense is more explosive than you think.
3. Miami Dolphins - The talent pool is getting deeper each year.
4. New York Jets - Rookie QB's rarely do well at first.
AFC North
1. Baltimore Ravens - Lewis inspires his teammates to overachieve again.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers - They will be in it to win it.
3. Cincinnati Bengals - The offense will score, the defense is underrated.
4. Cleveland Browns - The trenches look shaky.
AFC South
1. Houston Texans - The kids are ready this year.
2. Indianapolis Colts - Dungy will be missed in crunch time.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - A few drafts away from coming back.
4. Tennessee Titans - Passing game will not produce, Young finishes the year starting.
AFC West
1. San Diego Chargers - The class of the weakest division in football.
2. Oakland Raiders - The collection of talented running backs will win some games.
3. Kansas City Chiefs - Things are improved in some areas, but aging in others.
4. Denver Broncos - The rebuilding process will take awhile.
AFC Playoffs
Pittsburgh over Indianapolis - Pittsburgh wins in the trenches.
San Diego over Pittsburgh - Defending champions rarely repeat.
Baltimore over Houston - Defense beats a young team.
San Diego over Baltimore - San Diego wins this with big plays on defense.
SUPER BOWL
San Diego over Philadelphia - L.T. runs for 150 yards and two scores.
Offensive MVP : Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia
Defensive MVP : Julius Peppers, DE, Carolina
Offensive Rookie Of The Year : Jeremy Maclin, WR, Philadelphia
Defensive Rookie Of The Year : James Laurinaitis, LB, St. Louis
Coach Of The Year : Gary Kubiak, Houston
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Each week when I sit down to put words together, it amazes me that another week has gone by. Was it really almost 9 months ago that we welcomed New Year's 2009? It's the last week before the "official" end of summer - Labor Day. I've got my Hush Puppies on, I guess I was never meant for glitter rock and roll.
One last week to enjoy that beach read, speaking of which our own Black Bandit has a novel out - the best part is he pimps Sully and Old Mo somewhere in there. The worst part is the bastard horns waggled me into buying it by popping up on my Facebook chat and demanding I buy it. The dude is a consummate salesman: I bet he's told everyone here on the Gab that he mentioned them in the book, but you have to buy it to find out what the joke it. I'm on to you man.
Now it may be a tad impolitic, but I am here to address the pressure I've been feeling lately to create some shameless self promotion, and it is in that spirit that I am announcing that I will not be seeking the now vacant Senate seat from Massachusetts. That is unless there is 1 person here at the Tavern that says they want me to. Seriously...someone, anyone? Bueller?
Alright, we'll get to this weeks roundtable. Carlos Zambrano caught heat for playing ball in the park with his kid while on rehab, and he's quoted as complaining about Chicago fans - maybe if I played somewhere else I'd get some slack. That place wouldn't be Boston, according to Kevin Youkilis. Now look, I have to tell you, I've sent surveilance out on guys collecting comp. It's not a "no big deal" thing when you've got a guaranteed contract, on rehab, can't play, but you're out playing ball. It doesn't matter that you've got a 9-year old. Not a bit. While I'm on this tangent, what the hell are these guys complaining about? They play for two of the most baseball crazy cities in the country. You're not going to get much better fans, and you complain about it? I love Youkilis, but this guy complaining that the city is too up and down on the fortunes of the Red Sox? Really? Didn't you just charge the mound a few weeks ago?
So get this, China puts together a league for short guys to play basketball. Now I was thinking that I could be a decent point guard and still be one of the tallest chaps on the court, but apparently not true. It seems the height limit is actually something like 6'2" and as luck would have it, any time you have a rule, you know someone somewhere is going to break it. Here comes the player who's 6'4" or so and doesn't it just cause a ruckus. So his team goes on to win the championship and the losing team demands he be measured. It gets better, because this league has no apparent procedure by which players are actually measured - seems to me that if you're going to have a rule, you have to have some means by which to enforce it. The best part? Well, the opposing fans start chanting "Too Tall! Unfair!" I just have to say how absurdist this whole thing sounds. Honestly people, you're going to start flipping cars because 1) the league has no way to enforce their own rules and 2) the opposition was good enough to beat it? How about all those guys Gaylord Perry struck out with a spit ball? Of course, I love the name of the newspaper mentioned in the article, "the Daily Sunshine." BARF.
Sounds like Patrick Kane took lessons from JC Murphy, when he plead guilty to misdemeanor charges yesterday of beating up a cabbie over $0.20. I'm always on my toes when Murph is sitting at the bar and starts asking for change. I'll do anything to avoid shorting that dude a dime, but these guys took it just a touch farther. Cripes, Murph just threatens me and I usually give him a Duffs and charge him the amount of the overpayment. So for the sake of the pleasure of smashing the crap out of a 62-year old man over twenty cents, the two Kanes cough up $125 in fines. Honestly. Nothing but a colossal embarrassment to the Blackhawks and to Kane himself - nothing like showing the world you're a puke.
When you make a major league roster as a non-roster invitee to training camp, you kind of have to be able to do all kinds of stuff. Last night, since the Red Sox were getting smoked like a cheap cigar, Nick Green made his pitching debut throwing 35 pitches and walking three over two innings. BUT, he didn't allow a hit, which you kind of have to admit is something.
Here's a little something to counteract all the Bret Favre news: Throw him in the trunk.
I hope you have a Super Friday and enjoy your last weekend of summer.
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