College Football Prognostication

with Howard “Crabby” Crabberson

Okay ya bums. Crabby is here for da first time on Yuze Gab wit some never been seen before excloosive picks for da first week of collge football. Dis is my Big Ten edition. Im givin yuze four excloosive Big Ten Conference procrastinations of da games today. Now for doze of yuze who are countin yuze will axually see five picks. 

Whys dat yuze axe?

Because da Big Ten cant count how many teams dey really got witch is eleven soze Im gonna do da same ting and tell yuze Im givin yuze four picks when Im really givin yuze buckos five picks.

Da Crabster has cleared all of my picks wit my sweetie Hot Dame Madge. She likes em all.

Hot Dame Madge playin Wii wit Opal, Eddie, Hattie, Bucky and Ben. I'm da one takin da pitcher of dem.

Well anyways ya bums, Crabby is ready for da new football season. Now deze here picks are Crabbys “stone-cold-steve-austin-solid-lock-million-star-you-can’t miss-you-can-bet-da-ranch-dressing-on-dese” picks for yuze.

Just to show yuze how successful da Crabster is dis year, weze gonna start out wit 10,000 clams. And da Crabster is gonna tell yuze how many clams to bet on each game and den by dee end of dee season yuze will have a ton of clams dat yuze can sell for money to da local clam shop. Now da Crabster nose dat clams are kinda stinky but dere aint no law against bettin clams. Dats away to get around doze laws by doze politicians...

Now some of yuze in da midwest where da Big Ten is, yuze dont have no clams so yuze can use corn or wheat or in Mitchagain yuze can bet Oldsmobiles.

Da first and most important game up is between Purdue and Noter Dame (not related to Hot Dame Madge). Now Noter Dames gots itself a new coach from Cincinnati. And its not Gerry Faust tank goodness for dat. First of all he duddnt nose how to spell Gerry. Secondly dat guy couldnt coach a flee to get on a dog and bite it.

Now don’t be a smart Alex on dis one.

Vegas wants yuze to lay da eleven points and take da Irish cuz dey know dat Purdue might even win dis game cus dat new Noter Dame head coach Kelly Brian doesnt have his act togedder yet. But Crabbys gonna outsmart the Vegans once and again and tell yuze to take da Boilermakers and dee eleven. Yuze need to bet tree tousand clams on dis one.

(DVT’s Translation of Crabby’s Prognostication: Take the eleven points and Purdue against Notre Dame. Bet 3000 clams.)

Crabbys next procrastination recommendation (man doze are long words) is da Mitchagain game against YuzeConn. Now unfortunatly for da Wolverines dey dont have Bo Scambankler any more. He was da best but Crabby dont tink he had too many periods. Guys dont have periods Sports Illustrated. Dames have periods. Not Noter Dames just plain old dames. Hot Dame Madge told me she dont have no periods no more. Crabby likes dat.

Now to da game. Dis one is so easy yuze can bet da House, dat first second and tird seasons of da House on dis one. Crabby likes dat guy. Crabby also likes Mitchagain to clobber Connettycutt. Even Coach Rich Rodriguez cant botch dis one up. Bet two tousand clams lay da tree and take Mitchagain.

(Translation: Lay the three points ant take Michigan over UConn. Bet 2000 clams)

Crabby really likes dis game. Its in Saint Luis. Dats a neutered field even dough Saint Luis is in da state of Mizery. Dats why da game is in Mizery because Mizery loves company. Dats a joke. Yuze needs to laugh at dat one. Illinoise just has to cross da Mrs. Ippi Ribber to play dis game. Da Fighting Alumni aint good enough yet Mack. Mizery will prevail so yuzee need to bet 1000 clams and lay da twelve or yuze will have some mizery. 

(Translantion: Bet 1000 clams and play Missouri to cover the twelve points.)

Now heres Crabbys first lesson in Gambling 101 for yuze peeple. Most dont nose how to bet big point games. Yuze know. Da ones where dee underdog gets a ton of points. Its tricky but dis is why da good lord sent Crabby to yuze. Crabbys rule of tum is to stay away from deze games but if yuze do decide to bet em just bet em low and pick da dog.

So we will do just dat. Lay 500 clams on Eastern Illinoise wit da 39 against Iowa and lay 500 clams on Youngstown Steak (plus 40.5) against Penn Steak. Coach Joe Fraternal is so old Youngstown might even make it a game until da fort quarter. But dont worry. If yuze lose dese games and Crabby dont tink yuze will...its only 500 clams each.

(Double Translation: Take Eastern Illinois (39) and Youngstown State (40.5) and the points against Iowa and Penn State respectively, 500 clams each.)

Dats all for dis week. Happy gambling, gamblers.

For more picks, call Crabby’s hot line: 

1-800-howardcrabbycrabberson, 

dats 1-800-howardcrabbycrabberson.

Nitey-night.

Crabby

Photos in order of appearance

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http://www.bonappetit.com/images/dishes/2009/08/dire_grill_roasted_clam_linguine_v.jpg

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